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„I was intersex. I wasn’t sure whether I could have a baby.“

September 24, 2014

Die Intersex-Aktivistin Thea Hillman hat auf dem ‚Mutha Magazine‘ über ihren langsamen Entscheidungsprozess für ein eigenes Kind geschrieben, die sie als ‚Anti-Sehnsucht‘, als ‚anti-desire‚ beschreibt. Der gesamte englischsprachige Text ist überaus lesenswert. Hier ein Ausschnitt:

Becoming a mother wasn’t a decision as much as realizing a part of myself that for so many reasons seemed like it wasn’t supposed to be. In my darkest moments, it still seems like an impossibly huge task, being responsible for keeping someone else alive. Having the confidence or the arrogance or the ignorance to think I know enough to support someone else’s growth and self-realization. But I took that advice to take just one step. I trusted my anti-desire. And slowly, really, it was slowly, months after my kid was born, I fell in love. I found my desire, a desire born of long nights together with the stomach flu, of poopy baths, of more exhaustion and intimacy than I ever thought possible.

I bring this here, because I wonder what you do with information that’s different than what you always thought about yourself, when you make a decision that will change the rest of your life and it comes from a completely different place. That decision, and making it differently, was the beginning of a transition, chemical and otherwise, in which I began to not recognize myself. I didn’t recognize way I make decisions or where I live or how small I’d become or how I’d aged or the shape of body. I use the word transition with full respect for the myriad ways trans women transition and with no illusion of comparison of my experience to a transwoman’s. I use the word transition only to reference that anyone who becomes a parent through any means goes through a transition of simultaneously becoming and disappearing. Which is complicated by being queer. Or trans. Or intersex. I wonder what your decisions have been or whether you even feel such things have actually been decisions.

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